Every girl’s an artist. Their body’s are the canvas and clay.
Women love diamonds, even the super left-wing chicks who saw Blood Diamond and...– Tom, giving Mark advice on what to get Ann for Christmas
I want to write “fuck you” on Salinger’s epitaph.– Eugene Lee That’s the whole trouble. You can’t ever find a place that’s nice and peaceful, because there isn’t any. You may think there is, but once you get there, when you’re not looking, somebody’ll sneak up and write “Fuck you” right under your...
I want to invent an acronym where the first letter stands for that acronym. Like what if the L in L.A.S.E.R. stood for L.A.S.E.R. then I’d ask people what L.A.S.E.R. stood for and laugh as they answered, “L.A.S.E.R. L.A.S.E.R. L.A.S.E.R. L.A.S.E.R. L.A.S.E.R. L.A.S.E.R. L.A.S.E.R. L.A.S.E.R. …” ad infinitum
Whenever I urinate I like to flush before I’m actually done. Then it becomes a race between my bladder and gravity.
A: I don't want to go to the party, I don't want to drink.
B: Why don't you just go and not drink?
A: I know as soon as I'm there they'll force it down my throat.
B: ... that's what she said...
I love toilets. They’re like magic trashcans that you never have to empty. Just throw in your trash and flush! It’s flippin’ awesome.
A: You can either forgive him or hate him.
B: It's easier to hate him.
A: Iduno, you only have to forgive him once, but you have to hate him for the rest of your life.